So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
