god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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