textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
