I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
