i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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