Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
