yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
