dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
