Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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