I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
