someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
