my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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