There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
