so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
