I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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