I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
