My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
