does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
ok first of all what the fuck
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
