you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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