remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
