He asked me if I "almost moaned"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
