You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
