Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
