its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
