Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's the barista slut.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
