ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
