I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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