i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
