Moan for me like Helen Keller
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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