My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
