I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
