I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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