Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
