Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
