I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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