I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
