I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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