WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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