Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
