hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
