I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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