Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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