I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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