Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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