You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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