Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
