I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
