have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
