I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
