he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
