The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
