You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Randomize
