i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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